I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
