I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
