but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
