Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
