i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
