You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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