Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize