I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
