We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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