Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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