so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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