i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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