When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
