Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize