im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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