You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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