I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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