Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
