Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize