Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
