I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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