We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
