I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
