I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
