How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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