oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
