I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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