You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
