Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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