i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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