Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
