I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
