Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
