i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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