I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
