You're my little dorito
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
