I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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