saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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