i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
