I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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