my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
