Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
