My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
