I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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