I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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