I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
