I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
