I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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