No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
