If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
