my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
