Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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