honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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