Will you blow on my dice?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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