Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
