My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
