and next time when you feel me up, do it right
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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